You’d think we’ve seen it all. Trump back in office. Gas under $3. TikTok banned again. But just when you thought America had reached peak plot twist, President Donald J. Trump declares—on live television, no less—that he is officially supporting Pride Month.
Picture it: the most polarizing man on the planet, now draped in rainbows, throwing finger guns while shouting “Fabulous!” across the Rose Garden. Reporters faint. Influencers panic. Half the country short-circuits from sheer disbelief. The other half? Watching like it’s WrestleMania.
We’re living in the strangest season of American politics yet—and this episode is called “Trump Goes Full Pride.”
1. The Announcement: A Tweet That Breaks the Matrix
It would start on Truth Social. Or Twitter. Or wherever he’s allowed these days.
“I’ve always had the best gays. Everyone says so. Pride Month—tremendous idea. Nobody does rainbow like I do. I invented color, believe me. #PrideGreatAgain 🏳️🌈🇺🇸”
Cue national whiplash.
Fox News fakes a technical outage. MSNBC brings on six gender studies professors and still can’t explain it. Meanwhile, RuPaul calls him “bold… misguided, but bold.”
2. The Parade: Mar-a-Lago Goes Full Drag
Within days, Mar-a-Lago is transformed into a full-blown glitter factory.
He’d probably host his own Pride Parade, but with Trumpian upgrades:
- Floats shaped like golden eagles humping each other midair.
- Ivanka awkwardly waving in a sequin jumpsuit, escorted by shirtless bodybuilders named Fabio and Flame.
- Trump himself in a bedazzled red, white, and rainbow cape, riding a golf cart throne while yelling, “This is the most inclusive parade you’ve ever seen—maybe ever!”
Bonus points if Kid Rock and Elton John perform a duet nobody asked for.
3. Merch, Baby. Merch.
No way he does Pride without selling something.
- MAGA but Make It Rainbow™ hats
- “I Love the Gays” tank tops (limited edition, $49.95)
- Trump Cologne: Eau de Fabulous
- And a bizarre NFT series called “Pride Patriots”, where George Washington is reimagined as a drag queen with abs.
Capitalism doesn’t take a month off, folks.
4. Executive Orders, but Make Them Fabulous
Let’s say he’s in office again. (Don’t shoot the messenger.)
He signs an executive order:
“From now on, all military uniforms will include optional glitter. It’s good for morale. And nobody loves the troops like I do. Nobody.”
The White House press secretary has a meltdown trying to explain why Air Force One now has rainbow underlighting and why Camp David is temporarily renamed “Camp Diva.”
5. He Becomes the Ally Nobody Asked For
Trump starts name-dropping every gay person he’s ever met:
- “Elton John? Great friend. Very gay. Very talented.”
- “Anderson Cooper? Strong anchor. Hair like a silver fox—people say I have better hair, but I won’t say that. Okay, I will. I do.”
- “Lady Gaga? Tremendous voice. Confusing fashion. But brave. Very brave.”
Somewhere in this chaotic PR hurricane, he starts calling himself “The Orange Ally.” Everyone’s confused. Most are mildly horrified. Yet, some can’t look away.
6. LGBTQ+ Redefined as a Trump Acronym
He takes the acronym and—naturally—makes it about himself:
“LGBTQ+ now stands for Let’s Get Behind Trump, Queen. The plus is for people who really support me.”
This becomes a rally chant. His followers wear shirts that say “Make Queers Great Again.” It’s unclear if they’re trolling or serious. Probably both. Maybe neither. Nobody knows anymore.
7. The Reactions: America Has a Collective Stroke
The Left:
Screaming into the void. Unsure whether to fact-check him, cancel him, or invite him to brunch.
The Right:
Melting down like a Chick-fil-A ice cream cone in the sun.
Tucker Carlson flees to an off-grid cabin. Ben Shapiro furiously Googles “how to erase rainbow from retina.”
Middle America:
“Well, gas is still five bucks… but that cape was kinda fierce.”
8. Drag Race: The Presidential Edition
Just when you think he’s done, Trump pitches a new show:
“Drag Race: Trump Edition. I’m the host. The best drag wins. Lip-sync for your FREEDOM.”
Judges?
Melania, Mike Pence (wearing noise-canceling headphones), and a hologram of Liberace.
Every episode ends with:
“You’re fired… but fabulous Queen.”
9. The Rainbow Wall
He unveils plans to build a wall—not to keep people out, but to celebrate them.
“We’re going to build the most beautiful rainbow wall, folks. It’ll be fabulous. Every stripe, perfectly engineered. Mexico might pay for it—if not, we’ll get Nordstrom.”
Tourists flock. Instagram explodes. Somewhere, a Pride committee cries into a martini.
10. A Nation Confused, but Kinda Entertained
At the end of it all, America stands divided, dazed, and slightly more colorful.
Some say it’s performative. Others think it’s progress. Most just want to know where to buy that damn cape.
And Trump? He’s already planning Veterans Vogue Month.
11. The Dildo Logistics Reform Act of 2025
No Trump Pride Month would be complete without a groundbreaking, absolutely unnecessary piece of legislation. Enter the Dildo Logistics Reform Act—signed with a gold Sharpie and announced with a straight face.
“Folks, we’re making dildo delivery tremendous. No more waiting 3 to 5 business days. We’re cutting the red tape. Nobody likes red tape on their… pleasure devices. We’re streamlining the whole thing.”
The law includes:
- A federal Dildo Transport Tax on all out-of-state phallic imports over 8 inches.
- A new cabinet role: Secretary of Internal Vibration.
- A strategic reserve of lube and batteries, stored beneath Fort Knox.
Amazon scrambles to comply. Texas threatens to secede. Meanwhile, Trump’s base is confused but nodding slowly, muttering, “At least he’s doing something.”
Final Thoughts: Satire or Prophecy?
Look, we don’t know if Trump will ever back Pride Month. But if he does, it’ll be a mix of glitter, capitalism, and the kind of political whiplash that makes your spine hurt.
In the meantime, maybe the lesson here is that when you mix ego with identity politics, you get something that’s hard to look at… but impossible to ignore.
So until that day comes, keep your humor sharp, your common sense sharper, and never trust the guy in a sequin tie claiming he invented rainbows—or morality. Pride Month isn’t sacred. But it sure makes a great circus.
Have your say…
If this gave you a laugh—or an existential crisis—share it with a friend who can handle satire. Then drop your wildest “Trump Pride Month” ideas in the comments below.
We read everything. Especially the unhinged stuff.
